Some days she is the Phoenix, other days she is the ashes

A friend of mine recently attempted suicide.  She is on life support.  All of her friends rallied in unison to offer a steady flow of energy, hope, and love into her body like an invisible life force.  Trying to create a spark of life in her heart to bring her back.  Don’t go.  You aren’t finished yet.  What you will become is still being created. Don’t give up!  Please, rise.

We were not that close, she and I.  But news of this tragedy still hit very close to home.  She is young, beautiful, a loving mother, a good friend.  She’s had a rough patch, made some questionable decisions.  But  I don’t think we saw it coming.  Because who among us hasn’t walked a difficult path in this life?  Which one of us hasn’t fallen during our journey, unable to see the road that lies ahead?  Unwilling to see that there is still a path, if only we could clear from it the rubble and destruction that brought us to our very knees.

Giving up might seem like a viable option.  In that moment.

But while moments are fleeting, decisions that we make during those times will have everlasting effects.

There are times in this life that we can fall into a hole so abysmal that falling is no longer the scary part.  We are unable to see the end and it’s the waiting for it that becomes the most excruciating, unbearable part.

I am personally going through my own difficulties.  I battled depression as a teenager.  Not to mention, feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and lack of self-worth throughout adulthood.  I have experienced trauma at a time in my life where there were two forks in the road that I could take: the straight and narrow; or the bumpy, twisted road wrought with self destructive coping mechanisms.  NEWS FLASH.  Both roads have their share of sorrows and heavy burdens. It is up to us to fill our backpacks for this journey with positive supports (who are the rope we hang onto when we fall), self-forgiveness, and some resilience.

Because, I believe, that once the smoke clears there are plenty of amazing reminders of the beauty of life.  Things that I have relished in:

A sunrise and sunset.

The laughter of my family.

The way my daughter smiles in her sleep.

The successes of my friends and family in their own lives.

The health of my parents.

Visiting old friends.

Making new ones.

Image result for suicide awareness

A lot of us are feeling the hurt right now.  Feeling the survivor’s guilt, for sure.  We have to remember that sometimes there are no indicators – no glaring red flags.  Other times, there may be some signs that things are not ok in someone’s life.  It is uncomfortable reaching out, feeling that we are intruding, but we can try to be brave enough to ask if our friend is ok.  The most that we can do is be a beacon of light for others by spreading awareness.  In many cultures it is taboo to speak about mental health problems –  let’s not allow that fear keep us silent.  Let them know that we care.  That we are here.  That we HEAR them.  And we SEE them.  And you cannot be replaced.

To her family, I send you my love and my assistance in your time of need.  It is not much and won’t offer much comfort in your grief.  But know that we grieve together.  And we hope together.  No matter what happens, she will have friends in this life that will check on her family from time to time and remind her children how loved they are.

Ode to These Dear Friends

She is hanging on for her life.
Walking along the edge of the tear
that is life and death.
She breathes among us,
her body still living.
But she see’s the other side.
She hears our cries,
our plea’s to her to turn back.
But her spirit is broken.
She is beautiful, but damaged.
Held together by tape and promises.
Ripping apart at the seams.
We send her our energy,
but there is a hole from
which it escapes.
The hole is defeat.
Had it been repaired sooner,
she could fight.
As she had many obstacles
in her life.
She is small.  But she is mighty.
And yet – the sun grows too bright.
Burning her.
She spreads her wings to take flight.
Some days she is the Phoenix.
Other days she is the ashes.
And ashes she will stay.
Until she rises again.

Rise again, my beautiful friend.



If you, or a person that you know, needs to reach out.  Share the numbers listed below:

If you text 741741 a Crisis Counselor will begin texting you.  (I have verified this number myself.  It is real.  It can help.)

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Image result for suicide awareness


2 thoughts on “Some days she is the Phoenix, other days she is the ashes

  1. This was perfect. Perfect reminder for all the people out there. There’s light at the end of the tunnel and you are not completely alone. Well written Nes. I love it.


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